Complex PTSD, The Wise Mind, and The True Self

 I Feel Like There's Two Sides to Me. The wacky one who comes up with all these crazy ideas while she's high.

And the normal one who tries to piece together all the random bits of creative debris that get left behind.

And I feel like the further I go into myself, the more these two halves are starting to communicate. Like a business merging two entities together. We started by just communicating with one another. Send a quick email here, tour the building, get to know the employees. You visit, but you're still an outsider. You're not ready to take up space.

But there comes a time when you have to move into negotiations. Just how much of me is "real" and how much is drug induced. That makes me sound like an addict, but hear me out. I feel like I've surpressed so much of my creative side that I need to get high to unlock it. If I have just a little bit of THC, usually 5 to 10mg around 3:00 in the afternoon, I find I'm really productive and motivated. I can juggle a few different tasks at once without feeling overwhelmed. I stop caring whether I'm stepping on somebody's toes. In fact, I'm GLAD I'm stepping on them. Because frankly, they haven't been stepped on in a very long time, and I'm not going to baby her the way other people have for half her life or longer. And honestly, even under the influence, saying that kind of seems like too much. Like I had to stop what I was doing and have a conversation with that inner voice, my Piglet self. 

"Oh d-d-d-dear...are you SURE it's okay to complain?"

"Yes, Piglet. There's no one here to harm you."

I'm not even sure WHY I think that there WOULD be someone to harm me. How is it possible to have loving parents who did their best for you and STILL feel like you're drowning? Am I just being paranoid when I think that there must have been some big, profound, traumatic experience in my past? Isn't it normal for a 40-year-old woman to have big chunks of her childhood missing from her childhood? And even if it isn't, do I really want to open that can of worms?

I think I just need to read up on complex ptsd more. 

I'm curious to know if anyone else feels that way. Like there's two people inside and you're trying to get them to work together.