After Amy - Thoughts on "All American RAGE"

 

I think I feel drawn to this case because I see a lot of myself in Amy at first blush. At least from what I know, which isn't a lot. But Amy Bishop seemed to be the kind of woman whose whole identity was wrapped up in her job. I'm only presuming that Amy has some sort of personality disorder, which shakes a person to their core. You have no sense of who you are unless you practice at it. A lot. And if you're high-functioning like Amy Bishop: smart, pretty, white, wealthy; it seems you can get pretty far without ever having to face your demons. And her case just goes to show that you can't outrun yourself. And once it catches up with you, the rage that you feel will be overpowering.

Oh, never mind. What the fuck?!? She shot her kid brother? Nah, this bitch is just crazy.

I think I was trying to identify with her on a human level because I'm experiencing precisely this. Though, perhaps, not nearly as high-functioning. And the fact that she was an intelligent professional who did not belong in the classroom. 

Complex PTSD, The Wise Mind, and The True Self

 I Feel Like There's Two Sides to Me. The wacky one who comes up with all these crazy ideas while she's high.

And the normal one who tries to piece together all the random bits of creative debris that get left behind.

And I feel like the further I go into myself, the more these two halves are starting to communicate. Like a business merging two entities together. We started by just communicating with one another. Send a quick email here, tour the building, get to know the employees. You visit, but you're still an outsider. You're not ready to take up space.

But there comes a time when you have to move into negotiations. Just how much of me is "real" and how much is drug induced. That makes me sound like an addict, but hear me out. I feel like I've surpressed so much of my creative side that I need to get high to unlock it. If I have just a little bit of THC, usually 5 to 10mg around 3:00 in the afternoon, I find I'm really productive and motivated. I can juggle a few different tasks at once without feeling overwhelmed. I stop caring whether I'm stepping on somebody's toes. In fact, I'm GLAD I'm stepping on them. Because frankly, they haven't been stepped on in a very long time, and I'm not going to baby her the way other people have for half her life or longer. And honestly, even under the influence, saying that kind of seems like too much. Like I had to stop what I was doing and have a conversation with that inner voice, my Piglet self. 

"Oh d-d-d-dear...are you SURE it's okay to complain?"

"Yes, Piglet. There's no one here to harm you."

I'm not even sure WHY I think that there WOULD be someone to harm me. How is it possible to have loving parents who did their best for you and STILL feel like you're drowning? Am I just being paranoid when I think that there must have been some big, profound, traumatic experience in my past? Isn't it normal for a 40-year-old woman to have big chunks of her childhood missing from her childhood? And even if it isn't, do I really want to open that can of worms?

I think I just need to read up on complex ptsd more. 

I'm curious to know if anyone else feels that way. Like there's two people inside and you're trying to get them to work together. 

Musings about Autism

 Sometimes, I'll have these aha moments where I'll reinterpret my understanding of what's expected of me to fit others' expectations. Like, I have had about three or four therapists and we always get stuck on this question: 'What are your treatment goals?' because goal-setting is where I can't bullshit my way through it. For me, setting goals is the most vulnerable a person can be.

My responses have always been clinical. Almost like SMART goals. Maybe because I can't differentiate the nuances in the same word in different contexts. Maybe. 

But a therapist is looking for something authentic. And I can't be any more authentic than to create a piece of art.

The Human-Time Lord Paradox, or Some Thoughts on "Human Nature" and "The Family of Blood"

 The Human-Time Lord Paradox that Only the Doctor Could Pull Off

My all-time favorite episodes of Doctor Who are Season 3, Episodes 8-9. Hands down. On all levels.

I'd like to expound on that by live-tweeting these two episodes. Wait. Not live-tweeting. Annotating? That sounds much less sexy than live-tweets. Oh, well.

Also, there's something about Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle, but I will have to expound on that later. When I'm a partial bit more sober. Don't the Brits spell it 'sobre'?

Martha's just this big fucking badass. Literally the savior of the world! Not even joking. And here's ten reasons why:

"Mr. Smith, I think you should escort your lady friend to safety, don't you?" Appealing to his very human love to a human that isn't her to save his life. OUCH

"Oh, the little maid is full of fire!" "And you can shut up!"

"Scared and holding a gun is a good combination. Do you want to risk it" Mistress of no-fucks-given awesomeness.

"Do it, Mr. Smith, I mean you!"

Don't just stand there. Move! God, you're rubbish as a human." Because he was kinda rubbish as a Time Lord, too. Poor scrappy kid who never really fit in.

The human doctor is a man of war. The very thing the doctor is running from. His former self.

AFTER THE VILLAGE DANCE: And Joan enters into his world so easily. That world of secrets and layers and runs in the dark holding hands. How quickly she falls for a good man.

And THIS is why Martha is such a tragic figure. When it was just her and Rose, she could "chalk it up" to the fact that she was human. Holy smokes! That would make a great blog post! "The origin of the phrase!" Love it.

And...how UNFAIR that Joan gets shown a mere copy of the world that Martha's loved and enjoyed for so long! (9.42)

But Joan is SO perceptive! It's like Martha can't help but be impressed by how perfect they would be together. And THAT'S what makes her truly tragic. It's not just that he chose another over Martha, but the universe chose another over Martha.

"It's like he's left the kettle on, like he knows he has something to get back to, but he can't remember what."

"It's just him."

That difference in cadence perfectly criss crosses their experiences with the doctor. In the first few phases of love, there's so much to say. So much to explore. Like new lovers when naked for the first time. But Martha represents that everyday love. The one that sticks to your ribs and puts meat on your bones. Hair on your chest and all that. And her simple answer is, 'It's just him.'

And THEN, they throw in the race card and leave it there as motherfucking salt in the wound.

And THIS FUCKING KID who is at the lowest end of the totem pole and gets no respect is the one who gets closest to knowing who the Doctor really is.

'Cause he can read minds and shit!

And the here's the fucking Doctor enjoying his role as a male in a patriarchal society.

ABOUT BAINES: My husband: "Is he fucked?"

19.14: I love how Martha says hello to the TARDIS like she's an old friend...

...and then follow it up with that cockamamie nonsense about machines. Damn that rational brain!

19:52: That formulaic vehicle for exposition.

21:11: The TARDIS has to provide the Doctor with a backstory because an imagination is something beyond the doctor's biology. The inability to deceive is etched into his very soul. And that's why he was brave enough to decimate both races in one sitting.

27:02 Of course the TARDIS is looking out for the soul of her beautiful idiot when she sends him to be a teacher at a military school, especially given his own past as the rough child of war. She gives him Latimer, maybe they had a psychic connection, as a living embodiment of his reasons there is no such thing as a just and proper war. And just to show the depths of tragedy to which this episode will reach, the Doctor denies his own peace-loving ways to make himself as human as possible. Because we can be kinda the worst.

But maybe women's sexy wiles can root out the Doctor where a child could not. Seriously, she manages to be everything the Doctor ever needed. She's just like the TARDIS. Maybe she felt a psychic connection to Joan and trusted her to take care of her Beloved Doctor. The pain of widowhood. Because isn't he just as widowed to be the last of his species? The TARDIS is basically saying, 'This is the most equivalent human experience to match your own pain. And I'm going to make you fall in love with yourself."

28:56: and Joan finds herself confronting the one thing she hates so that she can move on.

30:09: "Everyday life can provide honor and valour and let's hope that from now own this country can find its heroes in smaller places. In the most ordinary of deeds." As he proceeds to commit a supernaturally heroic deed and chalk it up to luck. Because that's the Doctor. No matter how much he wishes he could take pleasure in those ordinary deeds, he is always called upon to do the extraordinary.

And it's while riding that high that he can break out of the biological shyness that the chameleon arc gave him and pursue his own desires.

And then he can't help but be drawn to the other alien life on the planet, and in that moment, a sliver if his old life slips through his psyche in one valiant word, "Gallifrey."

And then he does the most intimate thing he can think to do: draw his lover's likeness into his book of impossible dreams. That's like etching her into his very essence.

"We make such good wives." Followed up by this beautiful bit of dialogue:

"Widows aren't supposed to be beautiful. I think the world would rather we stopped. Is that fair? That we stop? "

"That's not fair at all." This is him accepting himself. Forgiving himself. Telling himself that it's perfectly okay to run in your sorrow. To keep moving forward. Like he did with Rose, who he also lost. Because this show is a tragedy.

Poor Martha! "Wasn't on the list." Four, you. Don't lete abandon you. "That's no good. What about the stuff you didn't tell me? What about women? Oh, no, you didn't think of that. What the hell am I supposed to do then? You had to, didn't you? You had to go and fall in love with a human. And it wasn't me."

 "Is there anything you're certain of?"

"Yes. Yes." TRAGIC!

"Cultural Differences" is Martha's motherfucking trigger, man. She's, like oh no, that is NOT happening. I'm not shedding my dignity for the sake of blending in. This bitch is DONE improvising!

"The thing is, you did have a fob watch." And Joan is coming right along with her! In the end, it's always two human women ganging up on the Time Lord.

Tim and Martha: I don't think I've ever heard of a psychic character connecting with a time traveler. It's an interesting dynamic to explore...

The liberation of Martha continues with, "Yeah, well think again, Mate." And it's such a delicious middle finger to the dominant white male rage of the time. Sorry, Melissa Villaseñor's Oscar-Worthy performance in 1917 has been on my mind since watching this again.

Martha convincing Joan that the Doctor is better than human is good practice for when she has to save he world. But it gets better than that! She has to try to convince the Doctor that he's better than human. She is given the gargantuan task of getting the Doctor to accept himself.

Martha holds up his sonic screwdriver and tells him to name it. She knows the power there is in a name. She learned it from the very man she's trying to save when he saved her and the Bard from an alien witch.

Jessica Hynes has this moment right before Joan gets a gun pointed at her head that is just a superb little bit if acting. When the Mother uncovers the Matron and the Doctor's connection, Joan's breath and shoulders hitch ever so slightly before she maintains composure. It just kills me.

"Run! Ah, this is super! We've been in hiding for too long! This is Sport!" Part of the reason this is one of my favorites is the fact that The Family is truly fucking terrifying. And they are akin to one of the most terrifying aspects of human nature: the Hunt.

Testing...Testing

 I've been trying to seriously start a blog for a really long time. I have so many ideas in my head that it gets loud sometimes. It was getting crowded in there. So...why Wanderland? Why not Wonderland, Alice? Why the change?

The way I see it, the internet allows one to wander. The first Alice had a definite goal (at least in the story according to Disney): to get home. She fell down the rabbit hole, sure. She went on several misadventures and took several detours, she always knew where she was going. What I wan to do is wander. 

I didn't realize just how much I had suppressed my wanderlust until I couldn't go anywhere. This pandemic has taught a lot of people to rediscover the joys of staying in. What it taught me was how badly I need to get out. It's demonstative of my perfect timing that I would catch the wandering blues just as travel bans are put into place.

MSMR - Hurricane

 The music video is pure art. Both of them:

In fact, I see them as sister videos, conjoined by the sliver of a theme.

But the second one seems to hold for me a higher place. For a few reasons, but I'll go over the big ones below.

First, this article on the video's subliminal messaging. 

Next, I came across this post by jacob c. green, who seems like a pretty cool artist, hinted at some pretty elaborate meanings behind the project. First of all, if you need a brush-up on what subliminal messaging is, this is a great refresher. 

But basically, it's like this: If the unofficial video is made up almost entirely of subliminal messages, the brain doesn't have anything to hold on to. So, in its search for meaning, it clings to those supraliminal, literally "above the threshold" of conscious attention and recollection, for meaning. It flips the script on the meaning making methods of subliminal messaging where subconscious value is placed on an image not consciously registered. 

Some Thoughts on Doctor Who 8.2: Into the Dalek

 2.00 - 2.23: In transitioning from the Universe's boyfriend, he has somehow become her father. Wait, ew. 

2.09 - "GET it right." Fuckin' Capaldi, man.

 2.26 - "big fella" I love it when the Doctor refers to space vessels as people. It shows his personal connection to the TARDIS.

2:39 - SPACE TURD

2:52 - The War Doctor. My eyes are raining on my face.

3:01 - The Doctor giving notes to his companions like a director gives notes to an actor.

4:40 - That. face.

***Opening Credits***  I actually really like what they did with these credits. It gives it a kind of steampunk feel. And this Doctor is definitely the perfect amalgum of science, magic, and steam.

6.40 - That's kind of a dick question, even by kid standards, right?

6.59 - I guarantee you a kid like that is not going to be puzzled by a sad face because he can't recognize emotions. ZING!

7.05 - 7.23: Okay, I had to go back to the beginning of this scene to confirm that beardy was Clara's colleague, and not her boss. I mean, it's kind of a skeezy comment anyway, but it would be totally weird if he was trying to set Clara up with someone like he's her dad.

7.25 - Goddamn, everyone wants a piece of Danny Pink.

7.42 - The first time I watched this, I kept thinking how Clara was being a little bitch about Danny's soldiering. Like, there's no way she would be so sensitive about it if she's seen everything the Doctor went through and shared in it. But this time, it makes more sense. She's seen the trauma it has caused him and doesn't want other kids to suffer the same fate. This season is all about Clara's arc. She's expanding her compassion beyond the Doctor to the others around her. Or, maybe she's just being flirty.

8.11 - Whenever Clara steps in it:

alt text: Tenth Doctor telling Donna, "no. no no no. don't do that."

8.23: Was that supposed to be a meet cute or a meet antagonistic. Because it looked more like a meet awkward.

8.51: Girl is thirsty AF.

9.16:...really, really thirsty.

9.36: She is treating Danny Pink like the TARDIS does the Doctor. Relentlessly trying to lead the pretty boy to his perfect arrangement.