Analogic Meaning is Rooted in the Heart

 I think I'm still processing the Trump election. I feel like 2024 was a crucial point in history. It was a true struggle of wills. And dominance won again. The political landscape of my entire adult life has been the weak being dominated by the strong. And then, I discover that I was buying into yet another narrative, like all the other narratives I would cling to.  Obama was the first president I voted for after Ralph Nader in 2000. My first political heartbreak.

So now, I'm watching SNL: my political landscape through a comedic lens. Hillary Clinton is about to beat Bernie Sanders. And here's the kicker: I really liked what Bernie Sanders had to say. So when he lost, it was an easy narrative to jump from poor to female. It was a rough time for my family and I. Soren was trudging through his own thoughts, the kids were having a hard time adjusting to school after being uprooted from their early childhood in Florida. I was just trying to keep it together: I was clinging desperately to the idea that I was a teacher. 

I'm watching Amy Schumer host, a comedian I spent years hating because everyone 'safe' hated her. I saw her after my awakening. Somehow, I ended up watching her documentary and loved it. She taught me that trauma can be funny.

Hence, my little experiment. I had to sweeten the deal with a Bill Hader marathon. That's how I discovered the Stefon Myers saga.

The title doesn't really match up. I have this idea for a book, but it turned into something else. I'm pretty sure it has to do with my current binge project: SNL in order of seasons in my life.

I Reserve the Right to Decompress

 Yes, I fully intend to roll my eyes during the last half of the meeting

then go home, smoke weed, and watch the entire Stefon SNL saga

I give and I give and I give 

when I teach

I need to come home and recharge.

I don't have time for 

my babies

my baby.

even my IAM 

When I teach

I feel like a conduit

stretched thin as I cover the multiple lines etched over sand

 by the sharp pebbles that cut my feet and wash away the day's

 work and present new patterns across the shore in an intricate web of thoughts,

 feelings, wills, goals, beliefs, hopes, dreams, kids, jobs, stress, bills, wages,

 earnings, taxes, fears, detainment, deportment, separation, divorce,

 court appearances, jail time, deaths, births, hospital visits, 

 

life

Okay, I got caught up in the structure and devolved into mayhem. But, seriously. I NEED to find a job that involves less people. I need to own something. 

 

 

Unschool Resources

 ●Dumbing Us Down, any John Taylor Gatto

●School Can Wait, any Dr Raymond Moore

●Any John Holt

●Any Peter Gray

●Teaching From Rest Sarah Mackenzie

●A Pocket Full of Pinecones (Karen Andreola, I think?)

Some Thoughts on Patricia George

 It's strange how easily people can slip in an out of each other's lives. We're born unaware of anyone but ourselves and as we grow, so does our circle. We weave a net made up of the fibers of personal connections. As we get older, the net grows bigger still. And some of the fibers come loose. They get lost in the noise and colors of our life. But the universe has a way of reminding us to "tighten the net:" marriages, illness, births, and deaths. Such an event has occurred this week for me.

I met Patricia George the first day of my freshman year of high school. She was our choir director and accompanist. We were a small but passionate group, branding ourselves as a show choir, choosing our favorite musical theater pieces and even choreographed some interpretive dance sequences using recordings of Carmina Burana. It was a ton of fun. As the year came to a close, there were rumors that we would be getting a choir director. A "real" choir director. I was nervous and bitter. I didn't want our little team to change. And I felt bad for Patricia. This was probably the misplaced angst of an emerging young adult.

And then Mo walked in and they just clicked. And something magical happened. She was a true accompanist, not just in music, but in life. She made each one of us kids feel like she was a partner in our lives; something some of us desperately needed. She was there when we forgot our words, missed our cues, or missed the high note and tearfully slinked off the stage. And she did it while being perfectly imperfect. She smoked like a chimney, and her car was a mess. But she was always classy, always unapologetically herself; and, above all else, always there.

I am forever grateful that this beautiful woman was a part of my life.

Trigger Rants

While reading the Vulture article and accidentally reading what he allegedly said in his voice. A habit of mine, I'll admit. It being "liquid sex" and all. I have found some strong runners-up on Literotica, though...

Somewhere, somehow, something happened involving a penis and it just...triggered me. I will admit that in my youth I was a frisky vixen. I looked good, and I could get myself to feel good. So it wasn't surprising that my first boyfriend and I would be on the fast track to pound town. But, and this was weird, and I totally didn't remember it until we reconnected again in our 40s. When he, you know, whipped it out, I cried. Like, full-on meltdown. I don't think whatever happened to me would have been enough to cause such a reaction on its own. But I grew up Mormon, so...that's a whole other boatload of trauma to unload. Anyway, he was actually really sweet about it, and we remained friends even as our romantic relationship soured and he proceeded to date the girl that I had had my first physical attraction to. With Jen, it was an emotional and intellectual desire. With Cat, it was physical and ethereal. She was just so cool. And her family was cool. I didn't know Mormons could be cool. I also didn't realize as a 10-year-old that money goes a long way in the pursuit of coolness. But it went beyond that with Cat. She introduced me to the scifi subculture. I started watching the X-Files. The first really big disagreement I got in with my parents was over it. She introduced me to music: The Beatles and The Beach Boys, Pink Floyd and The Doors. We listened to vinyl in their music room and we both played the flute. We had a little duo for a while. But, again, another boatload of trauma I'm not ready to unpack yet.

The next penis I saw might have been a serial killer. I don't know. He was working in HR at Disneyland. I desperately wanted to work at Disneyland. It was a dream. And I had received a scholarship to...no. This is not the time to tell this story. Back to the article.

Not Me Live-Tweeting the Vulture Article

Notes While Reading 

Look. I'll admit it. I had a mad crush on Neil Gaiman. I mean, menacingly, penetratingly mad. To the point that when I would read his books, it would be his voice in my head. That soul-crushing, desperate voice that I had once dubbed "liquid sex." Make of that what you will.

Note: I got triggered at this point when the author gives the victim's account of the "bathtub incident" (iykyk) and started digressing into my own repressed, hypersexual adolescence. It's there to read if you like, but fair warning, it is deeply personal.

Okay, so that was a twist to my schema. I was not expecting the perceived betrayal of a victim of sexual violence by THE Amanda Fucking Palmer. I mean, I love her, and always will. Her honesty is intoxicating. And "Bigger on the Inside" changed my life in quite literal ways.

I think I'm more sympathetic toward Neil at this point, I guess. Just...the way the Sandman shaped this whole...universe. So...which is the real Neil? The Sandman, or Richard Madoc? I believe it's a "yes, and" moment. He's both of those things, and more. As the trope goes, "we are all so much bigger on the inside." (thanks, Amanda)

What a sad, twisted tale. I was ready to forgive him. I really was. But, then I read this article from NPR. And clicked through to read his final words, "I don't accept there was any abuse."

In his last post on his personal website, Gaiman has once again woven together some beautiful words. For example, " Nah, I can't find anything redeemable in that post except for maybe this:

And I also realise, looking through them, years later, that I could have and should have done so much better. I was emotionally unavailable while being sexually available, self-focused and not as thoughtful as I could or should have been. I was obviously careless with people's hearts and feelings, and that's something that I really, deeply regret. It was selfish of me. I was caught up in my own story and I ignored other people's.

 

I’ve spent some months now taking a long, hard look at who I have been and how I have made people feel. 

 

Like most of us, I’m learning, and I'm trying to do the work needed, and I know that that's not an overnight process. I hope that with the help of good people, I'll continue to grow. I understand that not everyone will believe me or even care what I say but I’ll be doing the work anyway, for myself, my family and the people I love. I will be doing my very best to deserve their trust, as well as the trust of my readers.*

*but, of course i know that this is exactly the kind of thing you would say if you wanted to appear apologetic...I am praying it is sincere.

The 9,000 Reincarnations of Gwendolyn

 I binge-watch old TV Shows and then write about them. Because that's what my life has come to.

I write about failing at a teaching career after spending 13 years and $100,000 on a degree.

I write about my cooking failures because I don't have the attention span to pay attention to a timer.

I complain about everything...and people pay money to subscribe to my newsletter about it.

I write five million different story lines, but follow through on none of them.